from Carol
The commitment to elite tennis is a challenging one. It takes a great deal of time, money, faith, and sacrifice along the way. You may be at the beginning of this process or somewhere in the middle, or perhaps you are coming to the end of youth sports and embarking on the college process.
This journey is not only a commitment from your child, but from you and perhaps even from your entire family. It changes the dynamic of how you spend your weekends and holidays. It restructures how you will spend your money and your vacations. It may also be a challenge to explain to your friends who just don't quite 'get it'.
When my son was embarking on the next higher level of commitment, I remember saying to a friend that tennis had become our religion. No longer were we heading off to church on Sunday mornings, but off to another tennis match. There was a shift in our commitments and focus. I no longer felt that his life was 'in balance' since so much more time and energy were focused on tennis and less on other aspects of his life.
Balance vs Harmony
As tennis progressed, my ideal image of holistically parenting the well-rounded, balanced child slowly began to morph. Our dialogs about choices became discussions of why and how this choice was what he wanted to pursue over other options. At no time during his tennis career was it absolute that he would continue. He always had the option to stop or lessen, or to dive in deeper. There were times that he questioned his choices and he was given the space to do so. There were also times that I questioned his choices... and my choices to support him. My idealistic balance transformed into harmony.
Parenting is a funny thing... there is no right or wrong way of doing it... and what works for one child definitely does not work for another. But when you want your young daughter to stand up for herself and make her own decision, let her go and do it. And sometimes, you need to make a decision for your child. When that is the case, let her know that you will be doing that for her. At times, that is totally appropriate and necessary, often relieving stress from a situation that is beyond her control.
Having said that, if you are going to allow your child to make the decisions... then you must be totally on board and not waiver from your support ... even if it means being somewhat out of balance. I remember a tennis mom telling me stories of how awful some of her friends were to her because they just could not understand why on earth she would send her son to a tennis academy and pursue his dream of playing D1 college tennis. She had to defend a choice that she made that was incredibly difficult and heart wrenching... not ever really knowing if she made the 'right' choice. But it was her decision to support her son, regardless of the outcome.
So as parents, let us do everything we can to support our children in their chosen tennis career. Everything we say can encourage her on her path to success - and success may mean winning matches or it may mean winning at being confident, or it may mean allowing her to be in harmony with her chosen path. But if we doubt her level of commitment or her ability to succeed, then she will definitely experience doubt in herself. She needs to know that she is more than her tennis. She is important because of who she is and what she can bring out of herself and into the world.
It is hard to fully determine or express how very different Josh's life is because of the USTA/ATA communities and the foundational support he has received... so whether his tennis takes him anywhere beyond where he is today... I would say the journey has been very worth it, not because of his tennis-related results, but because of what he has learned about his abilities and the community of support that he has been fortunate to be part of.
The Expense
From a monetary perspective, it is an expensive journey. From other aspects, it is a bargain. But remember, the choice to commit financially to support your son’s or daughter’s tennis and development is your choice, not theirs. I never made finances part of Josh's decision, because devoting his time and effort was his part of the commitment; the financial aspect was his father’s and mine. If your child begins to look at tennis as an investment, it becomes a job and a burden. While this might be appropriate when he has chosen to play DI tennis and is being paid to play, it is completely inappropriate to expect the same response from a 10, 12 or 16 year old. I have witnessed many children become angry or apathetic at this age and then quit altogether because the joy of the game has ceased to exist due to the pressures of parents. Help him keep the playfulness of the game.
In moving forward and moving up in the world of junior tennis, your child’s journey will require more financial and time commitment from your family as she increases in level. This is not your child’s choice; it is yours. And having been through it, it is not one to be taken lightly. You must choose to commit to your part, and let your child commit to hers. If your child is concerned about how much this costs and whether she is performing at a level that is a good return on the investment, she may not be able to perform at her highest level. (This same rule follows in academics.) Relieving Josh of the responsibilities that are mine or his father's allows him to be fully committed to his.
I think many children struggle because they want to please all of the voices that speak to them, and that is an impossible task. This includes the voices of a social life. Josh made decisions to miss parties, ACL weekends, family holidays, etc which were never easy decisions. And he had guidance. But the ultimate decisions had to come from him - not me, not his dad, not his coach, not his friends. There was never a decision that could please all of those voices.
Parenting is tough... as is growing up… and the manual is not a static one, but an ever-evolving read. Obviously, we want only the best for our children and we want them to feel successful and happy. And wanting those things makes you an awesome parent. Model to your child how to be strong and confident and engaged by doing so every day. Let her grow and know that she is being guided by people who really care for her personal best.
The outcome is a mystery and we can't yet visit that destination. But as with any religion, it requires faith so that we can get to the end of the journey with our head and heart in tact. So let’s help our child build the vision in her own mind, help her set some great goals for herself and then, help her get there.